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A few years ago, I traveled to Puerto Rico to be a groomsman at the wedding of one of my best friends. He made his brother best man, but in the months leading up to the wedding he hinted at the possibility of each of the other 4 groomsmen saying a few words of their own. So I prepared. I wrote a speech that was detailed yet brief, playful yet kind, and so witty even the 30% of the wedding patrons who didn't speak English would laugh. I practiced in my bedroom closet so my family wouldn't hear me talking to myself like a lunatic. In my mind, I killed, and I was eager to see if the reaction would match my expectations. In the weeks that followed, I ran through the delivery and timing in the back of my mind every few days to make sure I didn't clam up when my turn came.
The contents of the speech were centered around an idea I had about choosing the right friends. Specifically, "life enhancers". This is not to be confused with "natural male enhancers". They have pills for that. Or white rhino horns if you believe the stories about the illegal Asian aphrodisiac market. But I digress.
A life enhancer is someone who consistently adds joy, laughter, experiences, or opportunities we wouldn't have otherwise encountered on our own. At some point, we've all heard some version of the hyperbolic expression, "That took years off my life". Life enhancers do the opposite.
There are countless ways to accelerate our deaths. The activities we enjoy, our nutrition (or lack of it), and the company we keep all have different effects. Some act as rebar, bolstering our health and character, strengthening our foundation, and behaving as examples worth emulating. Others are more like coarse grit sandpaper, stripping away the years with stress, conflict, and questionable choices. We claim agency over our activities and nutrition, but I think sometimes we don't put enough stock in the company we keep. We spend our lives surrounded by others, but who are these people? Looking around at the entourage we've chosen, are these people rebar or sandpaper?
One common thread among my life-enhancing friends is they possess at least one outstanding trait I admire. But the catch is this trait only reveals itself after you've established some history with the person. Anyone can fake it for a few months, but when you see a person through enough varied situations and stress levels, their core has no choice but to surface to deal with the job. On the other hand, not everyone is at their best when the stakes get high, so there's a balancing act to perform as we judge someone's character. Judgment is a dirty word, but that's only in the context of judging someone's cosmetics. How much money they make, how they dress, where they attended to school, what kind of car they drive, and so on, are not things we hold against someone. How they treat their mother, how they talk to their waiter, how they spend the money they make1, and how they talk about other people, however, are all potential name tags that say "Hello, My Name Is Bad Apple" and we should start injecting some distance in that friendship.
On the other side of this coin lies the adage "There's always someone better." Usually aimed at keeping us humble, this phrase is a useful reminder of what to look for in the kind of people we hang around with. I'll fully admit, a sizeable amount of this is a result of sheer luck, but that doesn't mean we have to keep the bozos around. Ultimately, our core group of friends results from a mixture of geography, age similarity, like-mindedness, and temperament, but I think sometimes people forget they have a choice of who they spend time with. Those of us who constantly complain about our friends are doing it wrong.
I discovered a new hobby recently: Skiing. Up until a month ago, I hadn't skied in nearly 30 years. What's more, I hadn't even thought about skiing in all that time. But today, I'm obsessed. It felt pretty fun when I did it in high school, but it was nothing like this. It's what I visualize as I fall asleep and what I think about when I wake up. My wife and I are planning trips around it, that's how bad it is. I could have gone the rest of my life without experiencing the joy this brings me (and with luck, the rest of my family when we all take lessons next year). My point? Guess who was generous enough to invite me and my son on the annual ski trip he takes with his brother to Colorado? A well-chosen friend.
A simple gesture can add immeasurable amounts of enrichment to someone else's life. Let's keep reminding ourselves to add to the lives of those around us rather than grinding away their remaining years with negativity, stress, and pettiness. As for the wedding...I never had to give my speech. My friend's brother gave his speech at the reception and it was concise, heartfelt, and said all there was to say about my friend. The other groomsmen and I decided that was plenty. So we all applauded, kept eating our cake, and that was it. Then we danced. That wedding was killer. And I remembered to thank my friend for the invitation.
This one depends...someone being "bad with money" isn't necessarily a world-ender, but if they're too far gone it will cause us to be worse with our money because we could do almost anything frivolous and it would pale in comparison.